Yes, it's not easy. Yes we wish it were. But do we really wish it was really very easy? No. So it will never be easy? Yes. So what will it be? Difficult. Well that sucks. How do I deal with it?
Stoicism.
(I will get back to my every-other Thursday cadence eventually - sorry!)
Stoicism is the way to deal with it. But one word is not tactics. One word is not 'the why.' Not 'the how.'
Until you are properly trained and ensconced in what it is. Then that one word represents all of the tactics and all of the analogies and all of the history and all of the logic and all of the successes and failures and commonalities and struggles.
Tony Robbins. Mo Gawdat. Victor Frankl. Read their books. They scream Stoicism. But they never mention Stoicism. Mel Robbins (no relation) said on her visit with Ryan Holiday she was promoting Stoicism with her book but didn't even know it.
But they are individuals sharing good ideas. Tony wrote a book called "I Am Not Your Guru." I haven't read that one but given the title, he doesn't want to be your guru.
A book and an author is not a school of thought to hang your hat on. A conglomeration of aligned good teachings from multiple authors is a step toward that.
"Isn't that a religion?"
Religions add a layer of faith into the mix - a belief that you hold without evidence. I told someone today that whatever contributes to people doing the right thing, I am all for.
So the one word I mention above, Stoicism, stops short of faith and leans solely on logic. In fact, the 'logos' is a Stoic notion of a universal rational principle.
So for me, again, >>> for me <<<, rather that saying "I like the teachings of Mo and Mel and Marcus and Seneca and Tony and Victor and Ryan and Epictetus to keep me on the straight and narrow," I prefer to just say "Stoicism."
Feel free to brush up on some of the teachings from the new folks and the classics here.
Our natural tendency is to project onto other people our own belief and value systems, in ways in which we are not even aware.
— -- Robert Greene, Mastery
If I cant solve this for myself, how can I at least make this better for other people?
— Ryan Holiday, The Obstacle is the Way
This may generate a moment of raw motivation or even a feeling of relief, but we rarely tally up the frustration they cause down the road. Even if we apologize or the good we do outweighs the harm, damage remains and consequences follow. The person we yelled at is now an enemy. The drawer we broke in a fit is now a constant annoyance. The high blood pressure, the overworked heart, inching us closer to the attack that will put us in the hospital or the grave.
— Ryan Holiday, Stillness is the Key
Rads Take
It is natural to be unaware of how we act or expect of others. Natural. To be unaware.
So that means we need to work to become aware. It is something we have to train in ourselves. How can we train on that? By exposing our minds to the ideas of others. To read books. A quote that I like from Mark Twain is "a person that doesn't read has no advantage over a person that can't."
Awareness is really the first step towards improvement. We need to be intentional, though, of what we are exposing ourselves to so that we increase awareness.
So much is made of the disparity between parties in the US political system - much of which is exacerbated by the news media. There are sites such as AllSides and The Ground (unaffiliated in anyway) that intentionally aim to share news in a balanced manner. Are they successful? I would recommend to see for yourself.
But we do need to become aware of how the world operates and how we operate so that we do not assume or set expectations inappropriately. If we don't seek that out, we cannot improve.
The second quote assumes resolve in the face of individual failure. Selflessness (superego) instead of selfishness (id - if you keep up with your Freud....which I do not but high school taught me something that I kinda retain). But if we have a sense of Justice and the Courage to follow through with it, then the choices we make and the work we do will have some positive impact for someone. And if that is the case, then it is worth it.
The things that don't come natural such as awareness and selflessness we must intentionally seek out else we will be unhappy and disappointed at every turn.
For the 3rd quote, the "this" is an act of anger. Speaking of what comes natural, anger comes natural. Holiday is saying that whenever we act out of anger, it generally does not serve us long-term. So why do it? Because we are unaware or don't want to acknowledge in the moment that something bad could come out of this angry act. The need for instant release is stronger than the training we have granted ourselves to that point.
There's a saying we don't rise to the occasion instead we fall back to our training. Training is all about preparation. We were not prepared for that feeling of anger and that is why we get results that we didn't really want.
Increase awareness. Expose yourself to other ideas. Learn constantly. You do those things, you will find a good amount of Wisdom in your life.