Strangers vs. Loved Ones. FIGHT!!!
No. Don't fight. No fighting. But I feel like so much of Stoicism and the modern day applications (traffic, unruly customers in Walmart (well, yeah...), Target (loud gasp!!!), your boss) are focused on those strangers around you that you can't control so you need to accept their behavior as fact and find happiness in a world where that kind of insane person exists.
Those strangers...they're like a box of chocolates.
But like the random statistics tell you, you spend a third of your life working, a third of your life sleeping, 4 years waiting in line, 6 years on the toilet (.....?) and the rest of your time...with your loved ones. That leave us, like (does math in head...fails), well a good chunk of time with our loved ones.
So if most of our lives is spent with our loved ones, we need to be just as intentional and aware of our behavior when with them.
"But Chris, you need to be able to let yourself go sometimes."
I don't fully agree with that. Letting yourself go and just 'be yourself' is really to follow your instinct. Your amygdala. Embrace a level of selfishness. I just don't like that. We need consideration, respect, civility, decorum and I think there is always a place for all of those things.
Even if you are wearing pajama pants.
So when you witness your daughters decompensate because someone took her Nee-Doh or squishy or whatever all the things are that are strewn around my house, feel free to remind them --- "the person you are furious at, you love that person. With this presence in mind, share your thoughts."
Does it use a bit more brain power? Yes. Do organisms survive on conservation of energy? Yes. If I don't conserve my energy in my home, will I die? No.
It's all but impossible to find a philosophical school or religion that does not venerate this inner peace -- this "stillness" as the highest good and as the key to elite performance and a happy life.
— -- Ryan Holiday, Stillness is the Key
When one has lost a friend one’s eyes should be neither dry nor streaming. Tears, yes, there should be, but not limitation. Think of departed friends is to me something sweet and mellow. For when I had them with me, it was the feeling that I was going to lose them, and now that I have lost them, I keep the feeling that I have them with me still.
— -- Seneca, Letters from a Stoic
Taking the hit for someone, something else. That’s what heroes do. A coward thinks of themselves. Courage forces us to ask, "if not now, when?" "If not me, then who?" Courage is about standing up for yourself and for others.
— -- Ryan Holiday, Courage is Calling
Rads Take
I am finishing off my first reading of Siddhartha. Today, someone told me to buy Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance so I picked it up on ThriftBooks. But Om, Zen, stillness, peace. Do they all lead to elite performance as Ryan says?
Spastic. Chaotic. Haphazard. These are not words you associate with excellence. Focused. Goal-oriented. Dedicated. These are. So is stillness our best bet to move towards excellence? Is stillness passivity? Is peace inaction? Or are we deciding on things to give a subtle F about (that book is in the process of being annotated) and ignoring the inessential?
Care about the things you care about. Act when it is aligned with your interests. Be still, observe, and learn when you can.
Onto Seneca...having recently lost my Dad, this one hits. To not be distraught is attainable. Think of the times you had with them. Be grateful.
I remember being there when my dad passed. It is something that is burned on my brain and on anyone who has had someone that close to them pass. I remember the whole day. The phone calls. Writing the eulogy. Carrying the casket. I remember standing in front of hundreds of people stumbling through tears and jokes as I shared stories of his goodness and my appreciation for all he did for me and for the world.
People ask me and are sometimes surprised on how well I am doing in the face of this. I attribute my resolve in the wake of his passing to Stoicism and its insights. Gratitude and appreciation and presence. I had the tears and mourning but it was overcome quickly with a cycle of appreciation for his life and an appreciation for my own. I won't have it forever. So might as well get to work.
With courage -- I have said before that it is a bit pushed to the side because so many relegate it to the battle field or civil rights movements and the like. But being around kids and being reminded from time to time the hard social parts of being a kid, it does require courage just to go to school. To have fun at recess in the face of bullies, disagreements and failures. I am shielded a bit as I work from home and report to myself. So maybe it is something I pursue a bit more intentionally...opportunities to act courageously in support of a cause I care about.