28 is our family number. Our daughter's birthdays are 12/18 and 02/08. We were engaged on 1/28. Married on 4/28. Kate was born on the 4th, me the 7th. Multiply them --> 28. Yes. I am a nerd.
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I attended a talk this week where the speaker, Laurie Ruettimann, said that, as humans, want to be comfortable. Then 2 slides later she said that we should take risks that scare us.
That sounds uncomfortable! So why the contradiction? Or paradox? Can two things be true at once?
It is said that virtue lies between two vices. That premise relies on us accepting that things falling on a spectrum, not into binary categories.
Tony Robbins said recently (and probably has for years) that, of our 6 basic human needs, one is predictability and another is variety. We are the ones who need that paradox. It is wired into us.
We want to know what happens next to calm our nerves. But we don’t want to know what happens next to keep us interested and growing. There is a happy medium of experiences (spectrum) which provides comfort and happiness where our overall average rests right in the middle.
We don’t want whiplash. So what is the steadying factor here? Our intentional mindset. Our embrace of Temperance.
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By the way, none of this is based on science. It’s based on the semi-coherent ramblings of a guy laying next to his 8-year-old daughter at 6:30 in the morning hoping his thumbs aren’t hitting the screen too loudly.
If you have semi-coherent ramblings in your head, put them down on paper. One day soon, you’ll look back in pride on a year of content that wouldn’t have otherwise existed.
The power of perception can only be relinquished and that is your decision.
— -- Ryan Holiday, The Obstacle is the Way
We are systematically trained not to love ourselves unless we meet stringent expectations.
— -- Mo Gawdat, Solve for Happy
If your body was turned over to just anyone, you would doubtless take exception. Why aren’t you ashamed that you have made your mind vulnerable to anyone who happens to criticize you, so that automatically becomes confused and upset.
— -- Epictetus, Discourses & Selected Writings
Rads Take
"Whoa, Whoa! Where are you taking me??" is what you would say if someone was taking you. Epictetus says, yes, that is logical and what we do. But when someone (the media, your boss, your spouse, your friends, family members) takes your mind to a bad place, it is not as vehemently defended.
If someone insults you, that can make you feel bad. That can ruin your whole damn day. I hear podcasters and folks say "I have to remind myself to not look at the comments." "I turned the comments off." Why? Because reading one bad comment from one internet troll would probably ruin their damn day.
It is easier to be a troll than it is to be a kidnapper. And trolls exist beyond the confines of the comments section. You might live with a troll or two. So can we turn off the comments section in our house? In our work? Nope. So what do we do? We hear the trolls. Since we love or work with the trolls (as temporary or infrequent as they turn into trolls), we continue to engage with the trolls.
And because hearing is a pretty involuntary sense and when we hear, a lot of the time, we hear words. Words have meaning in our mind. Sometimes, those words are not nice. And make us feel like shit.
But Epictetus is imploring us to build up that defense. Start shouting "Whoa, whoa!" when someone attempts to kidnap your mentality or your good day. But it doesn't require you to punch them in the head or fire some verbal shots right back at them.
Marcus Aurelius says "the best revenge is to not be like that." And the best defense is you own awareness. You're learning that that person can be like that sometimes.
Ryan Holiday said that evidence that you are adopting Stoicism well is that you get into fewer fights. You can still feel strongly about things that are essential. But you find that giving it right back to someone -- especially in a spiteful manner -- really doesn't serve anyone. You don't look back on what you did with pride. A lot of the time, that reaction is regretted.
If you are aware and intentional, there is just less regret.
I am going to pop back to the first quote from above as I wasn't quite sure of the context so I found it in the book. The keyword there is "power". He is saying that you have power to perceive inherently. But we need to be aware of that power. The capability of doing something does not mean we actually take it out of the toolbox.
This does piggy back on the Epictetus analysis above as we can perceive a criticism as constructive or as incisive. Strip away the insults and find the meat of their feedback then improve. We have that power. Might as well use it.