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On the way back from basketball practice last night, my daughter was telling me that one of her friends wasn’t being the kindest to her. She was pretty upset about it and I wanted to give her some advice.
I know that we have all been bullied or received what we perceived as bullying in the past. Myself included, of course. So I told her that somebody that is being mean to you or wrong is only doing themselves a disservice. That the words that they use have no impact or ruling over her own mentality. They don’t control her. Unless she lets them control her.
There’s a Stoic quote that says something along the lines of you are complicit in your own pain (looked it up - "you are hurt the moment you believe yourself to be." - Epictetus). And watching a Holiday video yesterday about death and how Ryan's guidance can be easily perceived as morose and depressing (as he blatantly called out). Or, the same exact words can be perceived as invigorating and inspiring. But if we don’t have the mindset that receive that content as invigorating or inspiring, we will see it as morose.
We control our mindset and we control how much influence externals have over us -- whether that is a friend that isn’t acting like a friend or ultimate finality - both of which are outside of our control.
But the perception is all ours.
As I review what I just wrote, none of this is easy. A resolute and strong mindset is not easy. It doesn't come natural. It is just through repetition and awareness that it even becomes remotely attainable. But it is an accountability that we all must own to make this world a decent place.
Every question you’ll ever ask will be governed by a refinement cycle that I called DDAA: discovery, debate, acceptance, arrogance.
— Mo Gawdat, Solve for Happy
Everything that happens to you is a form of instruction if you pay attention.
— Robert Greene, Mastery
Remain optimistic in spite of the tragic triad of pain, guilt, and death. Life is potentially meaningful under any circumstances, even those which are most miserable. What matters is -- to make the best of any given situation. Tragic optimism is an optimism in the face of tragedy.
— Victor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
Rads Take
Awareness --> Agency --> Optimism
Mo is saying we need to have discovery but be aware that we must be open to inventions better than the one we just discovered. Robert says that the brilliant idea we just came up with has plenty of holes in it. And that exposing those holes is enlightening for the next iteration. And when the whole thing burns down, apply optimism and get creative on thinking how that absolute dumpster fire was actually a good thing.
Again, this is all intentional mindset. Understanding that the initial thoughts you have that the whole thing just went to shit ---those aren't wrong. But they don't have to be life-defining or dictate your immediate response.
We can have the awareness that we have agency over our words and actions. And that we might as well apply some optimism to that agency because the alternative, that's just not as good of an option. So why choose it?
"Because it's real, Chris. It's authentic. That shit that just happened...SUCKS!"
That thought is true. But that external event does not dictate your actions. It just doesn't. So yes, it can suck. But it is something to learn from. It is something that is setting you on a path where you still maintain your agency. In that new, unforeseen and unwished-for set of circumstances, your presence will be evergreen - you are the constant. Your mind. Might as well have the awareness to bring your best mind with you.
Because the alternative, that's just not as good of an option.