40-0
20-0
40-0
No, these aren't tennis scores - which would be rough enough. These are final scores in my daughter's flag football league this year. I blame coaching.
I am the coach.
But as we line up to shake hands with the other team drubbing after drubbing (we are playing the Browns this weekend - they are much, much better than their NFL counterparts), the smile on the girls faces is all that matters.
"So, they have just lost 40-0 and still they are smiling? What's wrong with them?"
Well, what's right with them is they are trying their best and they know it. If they are giving it all they got and still losing, then you can't fault them for that.
If you are giving it your all and still losing, don't fault yourself for it. Recognize that you gave it everything and don't regret your hustle.
Now in both instances, there demands an evaluation. Maybe we use motion some more, misdirection, change up the defense a bit more often. "How can we get better?"...which is a vastly different question from 'How can we win?'.
Winning is a result that we don't have control over. We control our mindsets, our aim to win every play, our ability to learn from our mistakes. We don't control the final score.
So if you are getting upset about the final score and hanging everything on that outcome, you will be more disappointed in this life than you will need to be. You won't win every game. It's not possible. You might even lose the first two games at home in highly uninspired fashion despite a raucous, supportive environment (I am looking at you, Phillies).
But if you are proud of your resilience, your focus on improvement, and how you supported your teammates (or family, or direct reports, or patients), then you can smile, shake hands and go get some ice cream. On to the next.
A man is as unhappy as he has convinced himself he is. Complaining away about one’s suffering after they are over is something I think should be banned. Even if all this is true, it is past history. What’s the good of dragging up sufferings which are over, of being unhappy now just because you were then? When a man is in the grip of difficulties he should say “there may be pleasure in the memory of even these events one day. “
— Seneca, Letters from a Stoic
Don’t aim at success. The more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one’s dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as a byproduct of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it.
— Victor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
Everything that happens to you is a form of instruction if you pay attention.
— Robert Greene, Mastery
Rads Take
OK the random number generator must have been reading my flag football takeaways. Quotes 2 and 3 are fully lifted from that same approach. So let's dive in.
But first, Seneca.
Convince yourself to be happy. Don't complain. Be grateful for the muck you're in. And that the muck is temporary. The words "one day" implies "in the future." And in that future, you are not in the muck. You recognize the muck made you stronger. And able to deal with yuckier, uglier muck. Darn that yucky muck!
...Yes. "Yuckier" -- I am such a dad.
But finding meaning in suffering is the 3rd purpose that Frankl calls out in his book (the first 2 of which are (1) someone you love and (2) work you are passionate about) and that I have alluded to before as being the one purpose that is a bit more confusing to wrap your head around. But quite appropriately, Frankl piggybacks off Seneca right into quote 2.
Happiness and success. 40-0. It doesn't become 40-39 by wanting it to be 40-39. You have to put in the work to close that gap.
"But then should I have goals if I should just be focusing on the work?"
To a ship with no destination, no wind is favorable. Yes, know where you want to go and direct your efforts to help you achieve it. But employ the temperance to not be closed off. Somewhere in the middle is not a bad place to be. Just don't be wishy-washy.
Are you getting why this stuff has been talked about for thousands of years? There is no right answer. No solution that can be applied to all scenarios. Perhaps with the exception of the right mindset.
And finally Greene in Mastery calls out the importance of "paying attention." That calls us to be aware. To be in the present moment. To see things as they are, not as our tinted glasses want to skew them to be. Further, he sees a "form of instruction" where all the things that happen (literally - "everything that happens...") teach us something. Why do we need to be taught something? To get better. To improve ourselves. To drive towards Mastery as he put it.
A bit of a sidenote: I listened to Mastery. It is a thick book so I had Audible do it for me. But mastery is what is necessary these days. And in his book, Greene says the only way to achieve mastery is with years of intentional work. Each year is made up of days. Each day is made up of decisions. The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The next best time is now. We just have to put in the work. No way around it.
If you want to talk Phillies, smh....let me know.